More Than Meets The Eye
by Nette
Summary: Carter and Abby talk after seeing each other at a meeting.


**Rating**: PG  
**Spoilers**: No spoilers if you have seen up to 11.14 - "Just As I Am".  
**Summary**: Carter and Abby talk after seeing each other at a meeting.  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything ... ; )  
**Feedback**: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! Please use the review button. ; )  
**Author's notes**: This is my entry for the "One Can Only Hope" fanfic challenge in February.  
Thank you Cec for your opinion. :hugs: 

The challenge was:  
- Carter and Abby attend the same AA/NA meeting  
- one shares  
- they go for coffee and pie after  
- set in any season and at any time  
- 1500 to 2000 words

**"More Than Meets The Eye"**

"Do you remember Marie?"

I think for a moment. The name sounds familiar. But I'm not sure where I know her from. "Not sure .. I should know her?"  
"Tall, brunette, quite shy .. she never shared. But I think you talked to her last week."

I remember. She's a nurse at Northwestern. "Oh, Marie .. yeah .. How is she? I didn't see her since then. She said she'd be here more often."

A hint of sadness crosses Jamie's face.  
She's my sponsor for a few weeks only, but I know her well enough to see that what she'll tell me about Marie isn't good news.

"She relapsed," she tells me.  
"She relapsed? But she was sober for .."  
"For seven years, yeah. I was shocked, too. She seemed stable to me .. I didn't think she'd drink again. Nobody really knows why she's drinking again."

I swallow hard. I don't know Marie well. But she told me about the reason she started drinking. She was attacked by a colleague at work. And she just couldn't handle it. Then her marriage failed after she lost her unborn child. But I thought she was happy with her new boyfriend now ..

"I wonder what happened .. this is horrible."  
"I know. I was wondering if I could give you her number .. you know what it's like to fall off the wagon after such a long time of being sober .. Maybe you can talk to her .."  
"Sure," I say. "I'll call her later tonight."  
"Thank you, Abby," she says with a sad smile while she gets out a piece of paper and starts to scribble down the number for me.

I'm still deep in thought when the meeting begins.  
I didn't share for a while. But I come here regularly. I thought I don't need it. But to have people to share the same problem with – it just helps.  
And I want to encourage people that are strong enough to share their experiences.

Though I feel bad to admit it – tonight I just can't pay close attention to what is said.  
My thoughts are with Marie. We really aren't close. But I wonder what on earth made her drink again after being sober for so long. And I wonder if and how I can help her.  
And where her friends are.

But no thoughts could be deep enough to overhear _his_ voice.  
"Hi, I'm John and I'm addicted to pain medication."  
"Hi John," the crowd answers.

I look up to make sure that it's really him – carefully. I don't want him to see me.  
It can't really be. I didn't see him at any meeting for ages. And it's been really long since the last time I heard him share.  
But it _is_ him.

I don't know what to do.  
I wish I could just disappear. I feel like intruding his privacy.  
But I can't just stand up and go. He would see me. But if I stay he could see me, too. And maybe feel uncomfortable to have me listen to what he says. And if I just hide .. I feel like betraying him.

But hiding seems to be the best option.  
I shift a bit on my chair to disappear behind Walter who is sitting in front of me, hoping that John won't see me from up there.  
And it seems like he really doesn't.

"I haven't been here in a really long time," he starts and sighs deeply, trying to muster up the strength to continue. "I started using after I was stabbed at work – together with a colleague – she died. I work at a hospital and you can find what you desire easily. But I was in rehab and everything seemed to be going quite well. I had it under control really well – didn't really feel like an addict. I thought I could stop easily. But then there was a stressful day at work – one too much – and the temptation was just too big and I almost relapsed. My sponsor saved me from doing something stupid. And all seemed to be going fine from that point. I had a relationship with that wonderful woman later," he keeps going with a shy smile playing on his lips. "I wanted to ask her to marry me."

And I have a hard time to ignore the flutter that I feel in my stomach.  
I'm surprised that he talks about me as a _wonderful woman_.

"But .. things just didn't work out. I .. we .. the timing just wasn't right," he stutters. And I can tell that telling this really moves him. "My grandmother died .. and one came to the other. I just couldn't handle it anymore .. and ran away from everything. And I did a really good job at running away. I found myself halfway around the world in the Congo. I met a woman there. I didn't think it was anything serious. But she got pregnant."

It feels weird to hear him say all this. We never really talked about it. I didn't know that the baby wasn't planned ..

"I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in the Congo. My home is here in Chicago. So I brought her here with me to have the baby here and to live here. But this just wasn't her world. She wasn't happy – and me neither," he sighs. "So I let her go. And she came back to have the baby here. But ..," he begins and swallows hard again.

I admire his strength.

"We lost the baby," he continues and closes his eyes for a moment. "She's back in Africa now. _Officially_ .. we're still together. But I have come to the realization that it will never work out between us. I don't want to live in the Congo – and she doesn't want to live in Chicago. And .. to be honest .. I don't think there was anything more than the baby between us," he sighs deeply. "I'm with another woman now. Though I'm not sure I can say _I'm with her_. We met a few times .. were out on dates – had sex. But when I'm honest – it doesn't mean anything to me. And I realized that not long ago – when I felt yet again the strong need for alcohol and drugs," he sighs.

I'm shocked. I didn't know that he was thinking of using again. He seemed fine to me. How could I not see what's going on?  
I have to think of Marie again.

"I'm just with her to be distracted .. to not have to think about my problems. But I don't want that anymore. It has to stop. And I know I can't do it alone. So I'm here today to share and to make the first step back to sobriety – the first step back to myself. I know in theory I'm still sober .. I didn't take anything. But it's on my mind and I don't want to go on like this anymore. Thank you," he ends his speech without looking up and leaves the church with is head down.

I'm still in shock and can't believe what I just heard.  
I'm not supposed to know about all this – but I can't just let him go.

I hesitate for a moment – but when I see him walking out of the door I jump up from my chair and run after him.

"John!" I call his name and try to catch up with him. "John, wait!"

He keeps walking for a moment – probably not sure if he's meant. But I guess he recognizes my voice and stops – without turning around.

I walk around him to face him when I reach him.  
"Abby .. what are you doing here? Have you been in there?" he asks, confused.  
I look down at my feet. "I .. yeah .. I'm sorry."

He looks at me with a disappointed expression on his face. And then he seems to get a little mad at me. "How could you?" he says, trying to keep his voice down. But I can tell he's upset as he starts to walk away from me.

"John .. please wait," I plead as I follow him.  
He stops and turns around to face me. "I thought you know that this is supposed to be anonymous. Do you know the meaning of that word?" he asks me, seemingly disappointed in me – and I can understand why. But then I realize something.

"Yeah," I answer him after a moment. "I know what it means." I sigh deeply. "And this is what I feel between us – I feel like I don't know you anymore. So how does it matter that I heard what you said? This is supposed to be sharing with people you don't know – that's what you did, John," I tell him and look into his eyes. "How did this happen?" I ask him sadly and turn around to walk away from _him_ this time.

I don't blame him. I could have made the first step, too .. but to think back to what we've been not too long ago – it just makes me sad.

* * *

"I'm sorry," he says while he looks down at the menu to choose what to order as we're sitting in a small café twenty minutes later to have coffee and pie.  
"Don't be," I tell him with a smile and cover his hand with mine. "I know it wasn't right to just sit there and listen to what you had to say."

He shakes his head. "I'm glad you heard, actually," he admits and looks up at me now. "I should have talked about it a long time ago. But I didn't know with who. So I thought it's better to share it with people I don't know than to keep all for myself."  
I sigh. "You feel better?"  
"Yeah. It did me good to talk about it. And it's good, too to know that you know about it. It's not the same to share it with strangers as it is to share it with someone who you know cares about you. Well .. you know what I mean ..," he adds with a smile before he looks down at the menu again.

"I know," I tell him, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't talk to me .. I wish .."

He shrugs his shoulders. "You seemed happy .. with the biker dude .. and now with that student .. Jake .. I didn't want to bother you ..," he interrupts me.  
"You looked okay, too .. I had no idea .. I'm sorry," I tell him, looking down at our hands. "And I'm not _that_ happy you know .."

With that we start talking about a lot of things.  
We talk about him, Kem, Wendall .. me .. Jake .. And it feels so good and familiar to talk to him again that we don't even notice that the waitress wasn't with us yet before she finally arrives.

"What can I bring you?" she asks, pen and paper in her hands.  
"A coffee, please. And apple pie," Carter orders.

She scribbles down his order and looks at me now.  
"Uh .. I don't think coffee and pie are gonna do it for me tonight. I'm getting a .. hot fudge sundae," I finally decide.  
She notes my order as well before she disappears.

He looks at me with a smile. "That feels like in old times," he says.  
"It does," I agree and smile back at him.

The End.


End file.
